RELATIONSHIPS
Backburner Relationships, Explained
Brannon Naito on Unsplash
If you keep putting someone on the back burner, eventually they will go cold.
-Eliza Keating
Humans are complex creatures, and when it comes to the intricacy of human connections, one aspect that is often overlooked is the concept of “backburner relationships.” These are the relationships that are made to linger on the back of someone’s mind, waiting for the right moment to use that person as an emotional fallback.
Many unknowingly find themselves in this position.
What are these relationships all about? What are the signs of this arrangement? How can one get out of them?
Let’s answer these questions one by one.
Defining a Backburner Relationship
Backburner relationships might sound unfamiliar to many people, but the truth is that they are more common than you’d care to think. In this arrangement, someone keeps another person in their life hoping to get together in case things don’t work out with whoever they’re seeing.
Does it sound all too familiar now? And does it sound wrong? That’s because it is. You’re not alone if you feel something’s off with this kind of arrangement.
Many people find this relationship painful for many reasons, especially for those on the receiving end. One, it causes a great deal of insecurity. Two, a backburner relationship can make someone feel neglected. And three, such a setup is emotionally unfulfilling.
A 2018 study revealed that 72.9% of its participants admitted to keeping a minimum of one backburner arrangement. Prior research revealed people continue to check out attractive individuals, regardless of their relationship status. Going by that, this phenomenon shouldn’t be too surprising.
Signs You’re in a Backburner Relationship
How can you determine if you’re in this complicated and frustrating setup? These signs may give you the confirmation you’re looking for:
Sign #1: They’re taken/unavailable
Among the signs in this short list, this is the most obvious one.
When we’re attached to someone, we sometimes tend to ignore/brush red flags aside — especially if they’re encouraged. Here’s an example: someone tells you they want to end things with their current partners. However, they don’t plan to, despite being in a difficult patch.
In some cases, the backburning parties are single. Some may tell you that you’re their type, but they can’t currently commit to relationships because they’re still healing from previous ones. Despite that, they still casually pursue other singles anyway, often using the “they don’t mean anything” excuse.
Sign #2: You’re not lovers, but more than friends
You two hang out and communicate often. You tell how your days go, and you’ve shared deeply personal details more than a few times. You may have even met each other’s families.
Take note that all these have happened despite the fact that you and the backburning party aren’t dating. You’re not together, but with the way your dynamics are, it may be seen as the opposite.
Sign #3: The timing never aligns
Backburners keep you around their orbits because they want to be with you — but at their convenience. They’d likely tell you they’re not ready for commitment yet, or they’re still working on themselves. They may even throw the classic “just not now” line to boot.
Their reasons may be valid, but think about it. Isn’t it odd that they have the time to make major life changes, but for whatever reason, they can’t squeeze a commitment with you in their calendar?
Backburner relationships suck. You don’t deserve to be with someone constantly stringing you along. Nobody has the time for mind games, so why waste yours with a person who only sees you as an option?
Other related read
