FRIENDS AND EXES
Dating a Friend’s Ex Is a Complicated Mess
Everybody has types when it comes to dating, but we don’t always fall for people who check our boxes. Sometimes, we end up with people we least expect to date — and our friends’ exes can be one of those people.
Modern dating is challenging enough, even for the most open-minded singles. Adding conflicting feelings to the mix makes an already difficult scene even messier.
Dating a friend’s ex is a slippery slope that has been a long-debated subject. Some take issue with it, while others believe it shouldn’t be a problem. Let’s delve deeper into both sides to try to figure out this complicated manner.
We Don’t Own People
One side of the friends-dating-exes debate views the subject as a non-issue. Their general belief is that it shouldn’t affect or end friendships, especially if both parties are consenting adults.
For them, exes are exes for a reason. So, why should someone claim them? There should no longer be a link between the friend and their ex.
To be fair, this argument has its merit. No two relationships are alike because of varying circumstances. Nobody controls who people date, and a person’s feelings are beyond someone else’s control.
Why Is It Wrong to Date Your Friend’s Ex?
On the other hand, some people believe that dating friends’ exes is a sin, regardless of context. For many women, it’s a huge violation of the “girl code.” For those unaware, it’s an unwritten set of rules helping them navigate friendships with each other.
Why is it wrong, you ask? For these people, it’s a mistake for various reasons.
One, your friends may have unresolved feelings for their exes. Sure, they may have broken up, but it’s not unusual for them to have some residual/lingering feelings left. Care and concern don’t leave immediately, especially if they’ve been together for a long while.
Two, it leaves a mark on friendships — and not the good kind.
Whether their ex is toxic or not, your friends will feel some type of way about the thought of you dating someone who hurt them and broke their heart. And for some of them, that hurt leads to feelings of betrayal and resentment.
How to Date a Friend’s Ex Without the Mess
Let’s say you’re the person dating one of your friends’ exes. The complicated and awkward feelings won’t totally go away.
However, there are ways to go about this situation without unnecessary drama and mess.
#1: Don’t stab your friend in the back
Before acting on your feelings, don’t leave your friend in the dark about your feelings for their ex. You don’t necessarily owe them an explanation, but you should give them the head’s up anyway.
Despite your best efforts, your friend will, inevitably, find out about you and their ex. Don’t be a liar and leave them dumbfounded.
#2: Don’t be a show-off
Affectionate gestures are normal. However, some witnesses — in this case, your friend — may not want to see them when they’re around. Keep the PDA to a minimum.
#3: Give your friend space
You’re not the only person processing feelings here. Don’t ignore your friend’s emotions too. Even the mere sight of you and your ex can be enough to break them. Does it sound dramatic? Maybe, but they’re well within their right to feel that way.
How to Deal With Friends Dating an Ex
Are you on the other side of this complicated coin? The discomfort and hurt is understandable. Your feelings are valid, but that doesn’t mean you should act on all of them.
Guard your heart with these tips:
#1: Avoid destructive coping mechanisms
Broken hearts often lead to bad decisions. As sad as that sounds, it’s part of human nature. You’re allowed to wallow in your sorrows, but don’t let them cloud your logic.
#2: Allow yourself to walk away
Your friend may have talked to you, but what if the pain persists? Give yourself permission to create distance. Why prolong your agony if there’s a remedy? Let your friend know about your need for space. If they’re a true friend, they’ll understand.
#3: Don’t be bitter
Your friend isn’t dating your ex to hurt you, especially if they’re unaware of your lingering feelings. Don’t be petty and end your friendship over it. You’re allowed to feel hurt, but don’t let it escalate into bitterness.
Dating a friend’s ex isn’t a mistake per se, but it’s an emotionally complicated maze. Whatever side you’re on, remember to reserve your judgment and maintain empathy.
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