RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
We Ought to Stop Hermeneutic Labor in Our Relationships
Relationships are great. But if you want yours to reach that point, you and your partner should hold up your ends of the bargain equally. Sounds easy, right?
But what happens when you’re the only one pulling in any effort?
Sadly, not all couples are as peachy as they look. Sometimes, what seems like a picture-perfect relationship is a mess behind closed doors.
Let’s paint a picture of such a scenario. Say a gal pal asks for your help deciphering a vague text her boyfriend sent. The kicker here is that, unfortunately, this vagueness is her partner’s habit.
As you and your friend try cracking the code, she’s contemplating whether to reply or even bring it up in the first place.
What does all this look like? It’s what we call hermeneutic labor. Trust me — this is a job you don’t want to keep.
The Emotional Works
If you haven’t heard of this term, let’s get to its definition to help you better understand the concept.
Philosophy professor Ellie Anderson coined this term in her 2023 essay, “Hermeneutic Labor: The Gendered Burden of Interpretation in Intimate Relationships between Women and Men.”
The term describes one’s effort to interpret vague signals in interpersonal interactions. In relationships, it refers to one party’s attempts to decipher the ambiguity behind their partner’s actions, decisions, and words. Since “hermeneutic” is the theory of interpretation, the concept’s definition checks out.
And if the title is anything to go by, women often play the role of interpreters.
Award-winning actress Meryl Streep touched on this subject. In a Washington Post interview, she describes how women figure out how to “speak men, but men don’t speak women.”
The point? Culturally, it’s women’s responsibility to interpret and handle men’s behavior. If you think that’s unfair, that’s because it is.
Why Is Hermeneutic Labor Bad for Relationships?
How harmful is this labor?
First, it makes you feel like you’re talking to a wall. Here you are, doing everything you can to understand your partner. Yet there they are, sitting and seemingly hearing nothing. Frustrating, yes?
Thanks to your partner’s lack of reciprocation, resentment grows and roots itself like an annoying weed. Unless they change and start giving back, your relationship will gradually wither until it’s no longer sustainable.
Second, this labor has a harmful double standard attached to it. Your partner expects you to assess and decode your relationship’s vibes. But at the same time, they criticize you for playing that role. There’s no such thing as winning in this situation.
And lastly, this labor babies your partner. They expect you to emotionally glue them together, which you often end up fulfilling. If they remain this way, they still have plenty of growing up to do.
Everyone ought to cut off hermeneutic labor in their relationships. There’s nothing inherently wrong with trying to understand your partner. However, it’s a different story when you’re constantly decoding everything they do and say.
You and your partner should work together to keep the wheels from falling.
Reference
Dickey, Dana. 2024. “We Need to Stop Babying Men with All Our Hermeneutic Labor.” PureWow. https://www.purewow.com/wellness/hermeneutic-labor.
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