PSYCHOLOGY
The Impact of Argument Styles in Relationships
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As much as we hate them, there’s no running away from fights in relationships. You and your partner won’t always be on the same page about things, so you’re bound to bump heads on occasion. They’re inevitable.
Fights might be unavoidable, but there’s a healthy way to go about them, and the first step is understanding each other’s argument styles. As much as identifying attachment styles is important in relationships, there’s equal merit to gauging how people argue.
What are these styles? How do they affect relationships? Let’s go over each one and discuss their impact.
Arguing Styles
These four styles aren’t absolute. After all, everyone reacts differently to varying situations. However, these types may help give you some clarity and awareness because of their overarching nature.
Avoidant
Do you or your partner withdraw or close yourselves off during fights? If so, you’re the avoidant arguer.
It’s understandable if conflicts make you feel uneasy. Seeking space or a breather after a fight is fine. However, it’s another thing if you completely shut down.
Since most of us avoid arguments, we tend to beat around the bush on difficult things. Sometimes, we hold back on our vulnerability, repressing our genuine thoughts and feelings. As uncomfortable as it is, this is something we should unlearn. Avoiding fights will only sow resentment, which eventually poisons relationships.
Defensive
Going by its name, this argument style usually has a person feeling like a victim. One normally takes on this stance every time they feel slighted by their partner’s criticism.
Defending yourself is normal. One, you feel wrong and rejected. Two, you want to clearly explain your point. But a defensive style becomes toxic when you start nitpicking your partner’s flaws. Instead of clearing the air, your pushbacks make resolutions more challenging to find.
Attacking
Are you the type that blames your partner for your problem even if they didn’t have any involvement? Or is your partner the party who lacks self-accountability during disagreements? If either (or both) apply to your relationship, the attacking style is your dominant argument type.
Accusations and aggression permeate this argument style. “You” statements are often used to emphasize points and can range from declarations to hurtful personal attacks.
Is this style direct? Yes. However, it doesn’t guarantee solutions and clear explanations.
More often than not, the attacking style only agitates and upsets the receiving party, unless they’re also attacking the aggressor. Sometimes, attacks stray from the main point because of overwhelming anger.
Open
An open argument style has both parties making their points known in a calm manner. No one is outdoing or proving anyone wrong. This demeanor allows both to understand their arguments from different viewpoints instead of merely reacting to them. And because of their clear heads, they have an easier time reaching a resolution.
This style is, arguably, the healthiest one on this list. While it doesn’t make fights any better, it makes them more productive.
Can we change our partners’ argument styles? No. However, recognizing them is a thoughtful practice. This mindfulness helps make fights more manageable, leaving both of you feeling more understood and heard.
