REALITIES
Not Their No. 1? Leave That Backburner Relationship
You’d think I’d be a fast learner, but I guess I won’t ever mind crisping up on your backburner.
— NIKI, “Backburner”
The line is taken from a song about a protagonist lamenting their feelings about not being the priority. They know they’re getting poor treatment, yet they chose to stay because their feelings were too strong.
If you think this sounds unhealthy, that’s because it is. The song paints a picture of a typical backburner relationship — a setup some of us are too familiar with.
I already covered how such an arrangement works in a previous entry. This time around, let’s talk about getting out of one.
Why Do Some People Stick Around?
You may wonder why some people allow their partners to treat them like second options. Who doesn’t want to be number one?
One, some want insurance — and not the financial kind. For the people getting backburned (for lack of a better term), they want an option in case their main relationship doesn’t work out. The recipients, on the other hand, just want attention and companionship. We’re only human, and we naturally gravitate to affection.
Two, some people are afraid of being alone. This fear leads them to believe they shouldn’t stick to just one person. And with that, they think they’re smart for having other options.
Three, some people just don’t want commitment. They think serious attachments/relationships will tie them down, and they don’t want the pressure and responsibilities that come with labels.
And four, getting backburned is an ego deflator for some people, and they don’t want others to know it. It’s sick, but others would rather stay in a toxic arrangement rather than deal with their situation and the outside reactions. The last thing they want is other people knowing their personal business.
Get Out Before You Get Heartbroken
A relationship like this stops people from finding meaningful connections. The logic works like this: why bother finding commitment when there are options to fall back on?
Here are a few solutions to deal with backburners appropriately:
#1: Direct confrontation
People on the receiving end of backburning shouldn’t sit and stay quiet. Feelings and fears shouldn’t silence anyone. Why settle for poor treatment when something better is out there? If a backburner cowers, that should be enough of a warning.
#2: Honest discussion
Sometimes, some people need a wake-up call to keep them in check. Others may not be aware they’re putting the backburned person in an uncomfortable position. An assertive, no-holds-barred conversation (with evidence) may be the solution.
#3: Keeping a cool head
Is it tempting to scream? Absolutely. However, I advise against making a scene (and a fool out of yourself). Pulling one’s self together and keeping a straight face makes for a clearer and stronger message. Emotions should be channeled into pulling off a convincing delivery.
#4: Tempered expectations
Backburning only ends up in disappointment. People on the receiving end can turn the tables in their favor and stick to the bare minimum. Don’t go beyond expectations and stop being at the backburning person’s beck and call. This shift will help you move on much faster.
No one can tell anybody how to approach love, but getting out of that arrangement is a no-brainer. Backburner setups aren’t worth the heartbreak and stress.
