REALITIES
Start Paying Attention to Relationship Bids
Grand gestures don’t always make up relationships. Often, the little things sustain them. I’m sure you’ve heard about how much they matter more than once.
But what are these little things, you ask? People call them relationship bids. They’re subtle on the surface, but they have lasting impacts.
If you want your relationship to reach deeper levels, I suggest paying attention to them.
What Are These Bids?
Bids refer to a person’s nonverbal or verbal attempt at catching “attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection” from their partner (Brittle 2024).
Believe it or not, these bids are commonplace. According to licensed master social worker Elizabeth Marks, they’re something as simple as a request for help. Other examples include asking their partner how their day went and reaching out for a cuddle.
How Do Relationship Bids Affect Relationships?
As mentioned, these bids look simple but are pretty powerful cues. Your response to them can affect your relationship’s course.
According to John Gottman’s research, people can respond to these bids in three ways.
First, they can choose to “turn toward” their partners by acknowledging or obliging to their partners’ requests.
Second, couples can “turn away” from their partners’ bids by ignoring or completely missing them, deliberately or not. Let’s say you asked your partner to wash the dishes since you’re preoccupied with other chores. If they pretend not to hear your request, they’ve turned away from your bid.
Lastly, couples can “turn against” the bids. As its name suggests, it’s a direct rejection. It feels as if your partner slammed the door on your face. For instance, you ask your partner if they want to go with you to visit your parents. They’re turning against your bid when they give you a heavy sigh, say you’re interrupting them with whatever they’re doing, or change the subject.
Each response steers relationships in certain directions.
With the first response, trust will continue to build in the relationship. As a result, couples who turn toward each other at least 86% of the time are likely to stay together.
But if someone were to “turn away” from their partner, they’d be destroying whatever trust was there in the first place. If they constantly “turn against” their lovers, they’ll end up shutting them out and isolating themselves in the long run.
How to Spot and Respond to Bids
Be on high alert through these ways:
#1: Pay attention to body language.
Sometimes, nonverbal cues are more telling than their verbal counterparts. Be mindful of your body language whenever your partner makes a bid. If you want to “turn towards” your partner, your actions should match your mindset.
#2: Hear them out.
The least you can do is pay full attention to your partner. Be empathetic and interested. Engage by actively listening and asking follow-up questions. This makes connection-building a lot easier.
#3: Say what you truly mean.
Bids aren’t one-way trips. Proper responses will also benefit you. They’ll make you feel more comfortable when you attempt your bids. With that said, tell your partner what you genuinely want for better communication and trust-building.
Don’t miss out on your partner’s relationship bids. Make your relationship better, one cue at a time.
Reference
Brittle, Zach. 2024. “Turn Towards Instead of Away.” The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/.
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