REALITIES
Ultimatums in Relationships Are a Bad Idea
Every relationship has its challenges, with some being more difficult than others. Because of those difficulties, some couples use extreme measures to resolve their issues.
To that end, they give ultimatums in relationships. If you think that’s extreme, that’s because it is. Whether it’s communication issues or other pressing concerns, some couples use them as trump cards.
They often think of ultimatums as a last resort. It’s a “break glass in case of emergency” device. While they may be firm, they aren’t the best solutions for relationship problems.
And as much as some think they indicate true love, they aren’t a barometer. On the contrary, they can be dangerous.
What Goes on in an Ultimatum?
Ultimatums are, by definition, threats or demands. In relationships, they’re final warnings that offer consequences if one doesn’t heed them.
According to experts, this differs from setting boundaries, which only seek to assert reasonable limits.
“When you state your boundaries, you’re setting standards in order for the relationship to succeed,” therapist Josiah Teng tells PsychCentral.
Conversely, ultimatums say one has violated those standards, and change should happen.
If boundaries give you a fair shot, ultimatums don’t. Imagine someone is holding you at gunpoint and forcing you to make an uncomfortable choice to stay alive.
Why Giving Ultimatums in Relationships Is Dangerous
Relationship ultimatums can prove costly. Why?
First, they can sow the seeds of resentment. Partners will feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. One party will follow through not because they want to but because the other is forcing them. If they don’t, they risk losing their love.
Second, they’re culprits of power imbalance. One party might feel like they’re getting the short end of the stick from forcibly complying with the other’s standard. However, in a relationship, both partners should have a balanced dynamic. One shouldn’t be domineering over the other.
Third, ultimatums create unnecessary stress and pressure. They can feel overwhelming because of their demanding and insistent nature.
Fourth, ultimatums threaten security and communication. Relationships will feel like dangerous minefields instead of safe spaces.
And lastly, they crush self-esteem. They make one feel inadequate or unworthy, especially if they don’t meet the demands. The more one’s self-worth dwindles, the more the relationship will suffer.
How to Respond to an Ultimatum in a Relationship
What should you do if your partner gives an ultimatum?
Start with some assessment. Is their ultimatum fair? Did it come out of nowhere? Was it your partner’s only option? Or is this a ploy to try and control you?
If you know you’ve made a mistake warranting that warning, ask yourself whether you want to make that change. If so, tell your partner how you plan to go about it. If not, tell them to their faces. This way, they’ll know what to do for themselves moving forward.
But if you know you haven’t done anything wrong, discuss the ultimatum with your partner. This lets them hear you out and make better decisions.
Think twice before throwing ultimatums in relationships. They may end up doing more harm than good.
Reference
Litner, Jennifer. 2022. “Ultimatums in Relationships: Causes and Consequences.” Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/blog/should-you-ever-give-an-ultimatum-in-a-relationship#definition.
