Advice
Stop Weaponized Incompetence In Its Tracks
Inability ≠ Avoidance
We can’t be good at everything. We’re human, after all. But there’s a difference between that and dodging things altogether and claiming you suck at them. That right there is called weaponized incompetence.
Some of you may have encountered this term. It popped back up on the internet in 2021. But for others, it may be an unfamiliar concept. And let me tell you this: it’s dangerous. The “weaponized” part should be enough of a warning. Left unaddressed, it can turn happy relationships into toxic ones.
Don’t let it ruin your love story. Fortunately, you can stop it from poisoning the well if you spot it.
What Is Weaponized Incompetence?
Before explaining, let me paint a picture for you.
Let’s say you and your partner have lived together for a while now. You’ve just come home after a long workday, and they ask if you can help make dinner. You oblige without a problem, immediately getting to prep work.
But as you’re sorting and chopping ingredients, they ask you to cook, claiming they’re horrible in the kitchen. You end up doing everything, from the mise en place to the plating.
And here’s the kicker: this isn’t the first time it’s happened. In fact, it’s become a habit.
Does this ring a bell? This example is one of the many scenarios of weaponized incompetence in relationships.
According to clinical psychologist Holly Batchelder, this incompetence is where one partner deliberately underperforms in shared responsibilities (like the example above), burdening the other party to compensate.
Batchelder also says it’s a possible manipulation tactic. And she has a point. Think about it: your partner can make dinner. But they’d rather you do it, so they pretend they’re bad at it.
How Does Weaponized Incompetence Ruin Relationships?
This inability causes a lot of damage in its wake.
One, it creates an imbalanced dynamic. One partner is left to pick up most of the pieces and overcompensate. Meanwhile, the other does nothing and expects the burdened partner to do the heavy lifting. Talk about unfair, yes?
Two, it sows resentment. You may still love your partner, but you’re growing frustrated and resentful of their lack of effort. Don’t be surprised when fights happen because of this.
Three, trust issues come out of the woodwork. Who’d want to count on someone who won’t do their part?
Four, poor communication plagues the relationship. As much as you want to voice your concerns, you fear your partner will flip the script and deflect.
And lastly, your connection weakens. The lack of support causes fractures, leading you to start distancing yourself.
How to Deal with Weaponized Incompetence
Like most relationship issues, this one doesn’t come easy.
If you’ve already recognized the problem, you’ve got the first step covered. But if you haven’t, you should address the elephant in the room. There’s no resolution without identification.
Don’t speak in an accusatory tone during that hard conversation. While you should keep it a hundred, that doesn’t mean pointing fingers. “I” statements are recommended as they best reflect your honest thoughts and feelings. Don’t forget to give specific examples for more clarity.
Give your partner the floor to explain (not justify) themselves. Jumping to conclusions will get you nowhere. You may disagree with their reasons, but at least you know the roots of their actions.
Come up with a game plan after you’ve both said your piece. This includes expectations and boundaries. This will foster an environment of accountability and transparency moving forward.
Weaponized incompetence is troubling, but it shouldn’t be the beginning of the end. Work together to stop it in its tracks.
Reference
Soto, Tianna. 2023. “What Is Weaponized Incompetence? This Unfair Division of Labor Could Be a Relationship Dealbreaker.” Cosmopolitan. https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a45963186/weaponized-incompetence/.
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