REALITIES
The Impact of Eldest Daughter Syndrome on Relationships
Being the family’s first-born comes with, for the lack of a better term, a ton of firsts. Your name is the first that pops out of the baby book. You’re the first kid to finish their studies. And the list goes on.
But with that come challenges.
As the first in line, people always expect you to be at your best. Your parents often look to you for standards and expectations. With this, you may carry extra emotional baggage than your younger siblings.
Since you’ve been shouldering that weight since childhood, you may have difficulty setting boundaries, especially in romantic relationships.
Such a predicament is called the eldest daughter syndrome.
What Is This Syndrome?
Going by its name, Verywell Mind defines this syndrome as the “complex experience of being the eldest female-identifying child.”
According to research on the eldest daughter syndrome, this condition isn’t real. A person’s birth order and gender don’t automatically determine their personality or roles.
However, applied psychology professor Laurie Kramer states that it feels real because eldest daughters often assume duties at early ages due to societal norms.
They often deal with household responsibilities, caregiving, and emotional labor. The burden that comes with these responsibilities undoubtedly shapes them, from their personalities to their relationships (which we’ll discuss in another section).
The Rising Discourse
This syndrome is gaining significant attention online. It may not be an officially recognized disorder, but it’s become a popular subject on platforms like TikTok.
Many women have candidly shared their complex experiences and how they’re dealing with the fallout. One clip, in particular, has gone viral, currently having over six million views. This video features licensed family and marriage therapist Kati Morton enumerating the symptoms of the eldest daughter syndrome.
If the numerous think pieces and TikTok videos are anything to go by, many feel seen by the subject.
How The Eldest Daughter Syndrome Affects Relationships
Unfortunately, this syndrome can bleed into your romantic relationships. Since it tends to exact a huge emotional toll, it’ll affect how you act as a partner.
First, it makes you act like a caretaker instead of a partner. You’ve gotten so used to over-functioning in your day-to-day life. And so, you tend to feel responsible for ensuring your relationship’s well-being. And because you’re so focused on keeping the ship running, you don’t expect reciprocation, which won’t do.
Second, you may forget your needs and boundaries. This leads to imbalanced dynamics, which may harbor resentment.
Third, emotional and physical exhaustion is inevitable. Even if you’re unaware of the unfair relationship dynamics, you’ll still feel fed up one day. This leads you to settle for crumbs of attention from your partners, especially under-functioning ones. The more this persists, the more exhausted you’ll feel.
And lastly, this leads you to constantly seek reassurance. You’re so used to being on the back burner, so you tend to want to feel seen and heard.
Is that a negative thing? No. However, it’s problematic when you don’t see it, even if it’s right in front of you, and if it makes you anxious.
If you’re dealing with eldest daughter syndrome, here’s some relief: you’re not alone. You don’t have to carry everything by yourself. So, don’t let it ruin your relationships.
References
Cherry, Kendra. 2024. “Navigating the Challenges of Eldest Daughter Syndrome.” Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/eldest-daughter-syndrome-8623347.
Kayata, Erin. 2024. “Is Eldest Daughter Syndrome a Real Condition?” Northeastern Global News. https://news.northeastern.edu/2024/04/24/eldest-daughter-syndrome/.
