RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
It’s Time to Ditch the “I Can Fix Her/Him” Mindset
Relationships are healing. They don’t have medicinal properties. However, giving and receiving love feels comforting. It’s as if nothing can stop you.
Love also makes you a better person. Your partner can drive you to work for your self-improvement, helping you become a great lover in the process.
However, they can’t repair you, and vice versa. As much as you love to give and receive love, you and your partner can only do so much for each other. This feels worse when you don’t want help or refuse to change outright.
With that, it’s about time we put the “I can fix her/him” mentality to bed for good.
The Mindset Behind This Martyrdom
What’s this “helper” syndrome (for lack of a better term) all about?
This tale is as old as time itself. Usually, someone who has their life put together meets another in the opposite situation. Despite that, they fall in love, believing their relationship to be the cure.
However, they only find themselves in a sad, toxic cycle of good, bad, and downright terrible. One party designates themselves as the “helper,” hoping to steer their partner and relationship in the right direction.
Why does this happen? There are a few reasons behind this line of thinking.
First, humans have a penchant for repairing everything, from things to people. Call it the “savior complex.” In relationships, many of us itch to fix our partners because we believe they can be better than they are currently.
Second, “fixing” our partners can make us feel like we’re in the driver’s seat. Since most things are beyond our control, we may believe we have some semblance of power over someone we see as flawed.
Lastly, “fixing” somebody is sometimes a feel-good endeavor. Even professionals say so.
In a HuffPost piece, licensed clinical social worker Sydney Gomez says it’s a coping mechanism.
“These individuals may derive a sense of purpose or value from their ability to help others. At times, this is done to counteract deeper-seeded feelings of worthlessness or insecurity,” she shares.
There’s No Fixing A Person
“Can I fix her/him?”
You can keep asking yourself this question. However, deep down, you already know the answer. And that’s “no.” As painful as it is, it’s the truth.
Trying to “fix” your partner means allowing an imbalance. The “helper” complex paints the other person as powerless — the farthest thing from reality. They certainly don’t need anyone telling them what to do.
In a relationship, both parties should be on equal footing.
Also, “fixing” someone is like telling them they aren’t good enough. And that’s a red flag! If their forgivable flaws concern you so much, perhaps you don’t love them as much as you think you do.
No one should change for anybody, not even their partners, especially if they don’t want it.
People aren’t projects with errors. Don’t go into relationships with the “I can fix her/him” mindset because you’ll only ruin your partner. If someone’s going to experience any “fixing,” it should come from themselves.
Reference
Broadwater, Ashley. 2024. “Why Do We Try To ‘Fix’ People In Our Relationships?” HuffPost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/taylor-swift-fix-him-relationships_l_662a5511e4b005d7bf0cbef0.
