REALITIES
The “If He Wanted To, He Would” Mantra Doesn’t Always Apply
Say you’ve been going out with a specific person for a while. However, it seems you’re the only one putting effort into your relationship. Meanwhile, they’re just there, taking everything without giving back.
It’s 2024, and I’m sure we’ve all heard this phrase: if he wanted to, he would.
Here’s how it works: if somebody’s interested in or wants to be with you, they’ll let you know or work to make it happen. If they don’t, you’re better off moving on. The meaning is simple enough to understand.
Don’t get it twisted — there’s truth to that mantra. Why settle for somebody who won’t match your energy?
Many of us have been (and still are) in setups similar to the intro above. Some gaslight themselves into thinking their partners express their feelings differently compared to them. I don’t fault people for believing that. If a man wanted to, he would, and vice versa.
But if the walls surrounding you could talk, they’d tell you to give up because they’ve seen enough. Sometimes, we need a sobering reality check to set ourselves on the right path. Think of it as divine intervention. Don’t waste time waiting for someone who won’t change.
However, sometimes, it’s more complicated.
Humans have so much nuance that it’s impossible to simplify things into one statement. Moreover, circumstances vary from person to person. That said, there are valid reasons people don’t make moves, even if they want to.
First, they may still have unresolved feelings left on the back burner. Sometimes, it’s trauma. In other cases, they’re still reeling from their most recent breakups. Whatever it is, they’re still preoccupied with the ghosts of their past. Life happens, and sometimes it gets in the way of people.
Second, the “if he wanted to, he would” philosophy implies we’re mind readers, which we aren’t. While we can get hints from our partners, that doesn’t mean we always get it right.
Some of us can grasp things with little to no instruction. However, others need their partners to give them a direct order to make things happen. I can’t overstate the need for communication enough. If you’ve got something to say, say it!
Lastly, the reason can be dismissive and generalizing. It gives the impression that no statement is a statement in itself and doesn’t tell the whole story. While the statement can be true sometimes, we can’t tag other situations under the “he would if he wanted to” category.
Some people don’t want to do the work of getting together with someone. However, that doesn’t change the fact that they have feelings for and care about you. So no, it’s not a “you” problem. They just aren’t ready for a relationship, and that’s on them. And it’s not an indictment on them; it’s just a fact.
The “if he wanted to, he would” argument isn’t a one-size-fits-all mantra. Not every situation is black-and-white. Indeed, we deserve the love we want. However, the journey to that point isn’t as linear as it appears.
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