PSYCHOLOGY
Like Attracts Like: Why Similarities Matter
We’ve all heard of the famous “opposites attract” adage at some point. Heck, we’ve seen our share of real-life instances of that.
For example, an extroverted woman who is fond of cafe-hopping can like and enter a relationship with an introverted man who loves first-person shooter games and sci-fi media.
However, as much as many believe that opposing forces draw each other out, the sexy spark that comes with that magnetic attraction doesn’t always linger. Sometimes, they win over feelings.
A 2023 study, which investigated over 130 traits and millions of couples for over a century, discovered that partners tend to be similar for 82% to 89% of traits.
In other words, like attracts like.
Why Do Similarities Attract?
Have you ever wondered why dating apps and other online dating platforms try to connect users with daters with similar preferences and priorities?
As cheesy as it sounds, birds of a feather flock together for two reasons:
First, people prefer to surround themselves with people of similar personalities, principles, and even physical characteristics.
According to a study on similarity in relationships, it’s hard-wired in us to create comfortable and secure spaces for ourselves, including having people we trust to cooperate with us (Lynch 2016).
That’s why it shouldn’t surprise anyone when pretty women like handsome men or career-minded daters prefer someone similarly goal-oriented. We want someone we can connect with and not frequently disagree with.
Second, people also prefer to interact with those with similar or shared experiences and backgrounds.
For example, you and a specific person went to the same university and graduated with the same degree. Your attraction has been building since you sat next to each other in class for the first time.
Why Do Similarities Matter?
Similarities matter in relationships for two reasons.
First, they make your dates a little easier. You don’t have to make many adjustments when you’re with someone on a similar wavelength.
Second, they offer confidence and assurance.
For example, you’re on a date and recommend a restaurant your partner hasn’t dined at. You worry about whether they’ll like the food as much as you do, so you observe them as they take their first bite.
When they react positively, you feel validated and more confident when initiating similar actions.
Like Attracts Like, But Differences Also Matter
With the similarities come the opposites. Not every couple will be similar, and that’s okay! Your differences, whether in interests, beliefs, or experiences, may even help you meet in the middle.
That is how complementarity works. Your partner’s distinct qualities help fill the void in their own way. Think of your differences as jigsaw puzzle pieces. They look awkward and janky, but they fit pretty well once assembled.
Don’t get me wrong — having many similarities with your partner is great! Who wouldn’t want someone who operates like you? But the thing is, it doesn’t guarantee higher satisfaction. Like attracts like, but the buck doesn’t stop there.
What you do about your attraction and maintaining your connection matters as much as the sparks. The latter can only keep the wheels spinning for so long.
References:
Marshall, Lisa. 2023. “News Flash: Opposites Don’t Actually Attract.” CU Boulder Today. https://www.colorado.edu/today/2023/08/31/news-flash-opposites-dont-actually-attract.
Bahns, Angela, Christian Crandall, Omri Gillath, and Kristopher Preacher. 2017. “Similarity in relationships as niche construction: Choice, stability, and influence within dyads in a free choice environment.” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 112, no. 2 (2017): 329–355. Quoted in Brendan Lynch. Study finds our desire for ‘like-minded others’ is hard-wired. KU News, 2016, https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2016/02/19/new-study-finds-our-desire-minded-others-hard-wired-controls-friend-and-partner.
