Psychology
Break Free from Your Relationship Patterns
By now, you know that everybody’s got their preferences. We often try picking people who complement us. But since that doesn’t always work out, we learn from our experiences and do better — or try to anyway.
However, as humans, we don’t always learn our lessons. Some of us relive our mistakes repeatedly through our relationship patterns. While that tale is as old as time, it’s still concerning.
Fortunately, breaking free isn’t impossible. Identify your pattern, learn why it happens, and slowly but surely avoid doing it again.
Common Relationship Patterns
These five types are the most prevalent among the patterns currently existing. You may identify with at least one of these:
The Leader and The Follower
People who lead are the alphas of their relationship. They tend to initiate big relationship moves like cohabitation. There’s nothing wrong with taking the reins, especially if needed, but often, this comes with the ugly desire for power and control.
Alphas have an itch to dictate and command. As they seek to fulfill them, they often forget they’re not the only one in the picture.
Meanwhile, their partner or their follower doesn’t have the opportunity to share their needs and feelings and be themselves. Often, they have to fight to be heard.
The Codependent
Should partners be a united force? Yes. A relationship takes two to tango. But the thing is, both parties shouldn’t sacrifice their individuality. They don’t have to do everything together, and they don’t have to morph into someone they’re not just to please the other.
Codependency only brings negative effects. The more you lose your identity, the more isolated you’ll become.
The Savior and The Broken
Does the “I can fix them” or “I want to be fixed” mindset ring a bell? If so, this pattern is the embodiment of that.
People with a savior mindset tend to pick matches they believe they can change. But here’s the thing: people aren’t projects. Forcing someone to change will poison the relationship.
Similarly, those who want “fixing” shouldn’t rely on other people to do it for them. They should want that for themselves.
The Parent and The Child
Caring for a partner (as one should) is one thing. But parenting them is another matter. They’re an adult who can think and act for themselves. They don’t need someone nagging at them about everything.
On the other hand, if one feels they’re often being parented or criticized, they might resort to putting up defenses.
The Hot and The Cold
Relationships have their ups and downs — that’s a given. But if that rollercoaster is a never-ending ride, that’s a red flag.
Couples should be on the same page concerning where they’re at in their relationship. If, for example, one partner wants to move things into marriage territory while the other wants to take things slow, and both parties refuse to budge, it’ll be a disaster all around.
Why Do These Patterns Keep Repeating?
Do you find yourself stuck in a never-ending cycle of being with and ending things with the same type of people? If not, do you know anyone with similar experiences?
These reasons may explain the rinse-repeat pattern in your relationships:
Low sense of self-worth
Some settle for less than they deserve and fall into unhealthy relationship patterns because they genuinely believe they aren’t worth it. That’s their low self-esteem talking.
That low sense of self-worth makes them flock to people who can’t give them what they want and need. As if that isn’t already sad enough, here’s another heartbreaking layer: they’re aware of it.
Unhealed emotional wounds
Some coping mechanisms are more harmful than others. Picking partners and having the same conclusions is among them.
Here’s an example to better illustrate this argument: somebody fresh off a breakup has chosen someone similar to their ex. Why? Unconsciously, they want to prove that they can keep someone like that very ex.
Familiarity and comfort
Most of us unconsciously look for familiarity because we often fear its opposite. If, for example, you’ve previously dated emotionally unavailable women, you’re likely to fall for someone of that type. You subconsciously know that being in a relationship with her might hurt, but at least it’s something you already know.
Breaking Relationship Patterns
It’s time to break free. Here’s how to stop repeating relationship patterns.
Go outside your type
Taking this leap is scary because of the unfamiliarity. But if you want to snap out of your romantic funk, there’s no other way to do it other than venturing outside your type. One date won’t kill you, and you may be surprised at what you’ll encounter.
Narrow down your relationship non-negotiables
Which qualities do you want in your future partner? Which traits should they possess and lose? Knowing what you want and hate narrows your search, making it easier.
Get away from your relationship patterns while you still can. It will be a long process, but getting out of that loop will be worth it.
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