Love
We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve — Why?
“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
If you’re often online or into classics, I’m sure you’ve read that quote above more than once. For those unaware, it’s from The Perks of Being a Wallflower — the 1999 Stephen Chbosky novel and its 2012 film adaptation.
What does that line mean? In a romantic context, it means we’re in our current relationships because we believe we deserve to be in them.
Everyone has (and should have) agency over their relationship choices and make ones for their long-term betterment. However, despite better options, some continue to choose poorly.
Why does this thinking persist? How can daters flip this mindset on its head?
Why Do We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve?
If you know anyone or are someone who constantly accepts less in your relationships, these reasons may give you insight as to why:
Bad first impressions tend to last
We unconsciously soak in experiences (ours and others) like we’re sponges.
When that happens, we tend to draw immediate conclusions, depending on the intensity. They often stick around and become part of our identity. They’re the lenses we see things in. And as they linger, they get us into circumstances that reinforce them.
Here’s an example to better illustrate my point: you’ve been ghosted during your first-ever relationship (ouch!). Based on that horrible experience, you formulated and stuck with these judgments:
- People suck.
- You’re not enough for anyone.
Your future relationships will likely make you feel the same way because that’s what you expect. While you can’t predict outcomes, you’ve paved the way for one.
Attachment styles press rewind
If you’re reliving your relationship history, that may be your attachment styles talking. Each of us has our own predispositions, attracting other types while avoiding others that don’t align with our views on love.
Let’s say you have an avoidant attachment style. Any semblance of vulnerability makes you want to run for the hills because you’re either repulsed by or deathly afraid of it. Whenever someone’s close to thawing your cold heart, you think of whatever you can to end things — even if you like them.
The point: our attachment styles make us believe we accept the love that we think we deserve. They validate our beliefs, making us feel safe despite objectively receiving less (as sad as that sounds).
Self-respect is in short supply
This reason is, arguably, the most common out of the three listed. I’d even say this one is the precursor to the previous points.
Low self-esteem is dangerous because it sets us on a toxic path filled with nothing but bad decisions.
You put up with people’s poor treatment because you believe they’ll eventually see the light and change. You think that when you start standing up for yourself, they’ll leave you — or so you think they’ll do.
I know some of you are itching to send that drunk text that says you miss them. But please put that phone down. Don’t do it! You’ll only regret it once you press send.
Stop Selling Yourself Short
Do we accept the love we think we deserve? There is truth to that. Some matches treat you in some type of way because you project yourself in that manner.
And with that, stop viewing yourself poorly. You can’t see that if you keep sticking to the same old toxic things. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to give you the love you truly deserve.
